Posted in Jottings, Poetry

Spider

” Gratitude will

Never be yours

For all the goodness

You are !”

That old man

The astrologer

Had said

Decades ago

But

Never told that

I would receive

Stabs in the back

Humiliations

Deceptions

And abuses instead

From unexpected quarters

From those

I held close to my heart

And trusted with my soul

Accusations poisonous

To the hilt

And insults

Ornamented

In the grimiest filth

But nothing

Had prepared me

For what you hurled at me

Today

” You are a spider

Ensnaring me

In the most cunning

Cobweb ”

So now I cannot sleep

Eyes a battleground

For tears , again

Sleeping pills fail

Heartburn robustly awake

I want to hug you

Tell you how wrong

You are

But the spikes around you

Ward off all

Kill all

I drink some water

Pat the dog

Say a prayer

Write a poem

And lie down

Wishing

The dawn should hurry

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Posted in Jottings, Poetry

Cunning Murder

There is a new killer

On rampage

No weapon , no poison

Only eroding

All

By insanity

Cunningness

Megalomania

Evil intent

With smoothness

Of an experienced artist

Leaving the victim

Broken within

Pushed against

A granite wall

Gasping for breath

Wriggling and writhing

In pain so intense

It burns all sanity

And the murder happens

By own will

By own hand

Posted in Jottings, photo story, Poetry

Death , Finally

So that day

She finally died

After a lifetime of

Being bullied

By closest one

Being hated ,rejected

Neglected and

Trampled upon

Like a rag doll

For thoughts she didn’t think

Sins she didn’t commit

She was only a mirror

Reflecting the evil

Within one who

Looked at her

She was stoned

For other’s sins

Burnt at the pyre

Of greed , ego and madness

Another innocent soul

Another loving heart

Blamed for that

What was wrong in others

Chewed hollow

Till nothing

Remained palpable

But she so wanted to live

To laugh , dance and sing

To travel to far away lands

To breathe in

All that was oxygen

All that was love

To crack silly jokes

To hug and kiss

To find and explore

To learn how to swim

How to ride

To adopt another dog

To celebrate another festival

She loved life

She lived love

Finally she died That day

Or was it night ?

Memory fades

As breath stutters

And the curtain closes

Gone now

After a lifetime of abuse

At the hands

Which she held to live

To survive

She so wanted to live

Posted in Jottings, photo story, Poetry

Away

Sometimes the mountains

Just eat you up

All that is fine is foggy

All that is kind is harsh

You lose trust In goodness

In people who mean well

The isolation hypnotises

You to see only the dark

The rocks harden the heart

The wind takes you

Far far away From reality

Movement becomes a habit

And you don’t stay

You only walk away

Breaking others

Into fragments

Never to be a whole again

Sometimes

The mountains eat you up

Posted in Jottings, photo story, Poetry

Tilted

 

dsc_0536-011838068817.jpegPropped in my bed
With suffocating quilts
And overpowering
Heating pads
The dim light sapping all
The cold crawling
Into every atom within
Loneliness the sole companion
I wonder why my compass
Took such a wild turn
Why cruelty is so kind to me
What triggered the wild
Holocaust of all I stand for
Why love always a stillborn
And I dream of open spaces
Of trees and birds
Blue skies and grass
Of the freedom
I once had
Of the momentum of life
Once so alive
Answers confuse
The question marks
Get deeper
Resignation subdues all
My soul contracts
With intense pain
As the last breath
Becomes a cherished escape

Posted in Jottings, Poetry

Ostracised

Just wondering

I talk to the trees

And the birds

I understand what

Dogs say

I know

The wind

And the rain

Nature whisperer !

Why the hell

I cannot be

A people whisperer too ?

Why cannot

I be the perfect one

For them

Why cannot

I appear when they need me

And vanish when

My presence irritates

Why cannot

I say all the clever things

They want to hear

And seal my lips

On what hurts and angers

Them

Am not a loner

I want people to love

And be loved by them

How the hell then

I end up

Making them all hate me

And drop me

Like a broken mirror

How do I end up

With accusations

When I don’t mean harm

And thoughts

I don’t think

How stupid I am

And if all feel the same

How bad !

Posted in Jottings, Poetry

The Curse

The room separates

You say we fight more

In the same room

The work together stops

You say I am overbearing

The bike rides stop

You say you waste time

Traveling with me

The talks stop

Watching movies

Together stop

Till this

Yesterday

When you accuse me of sins

Not committed

Cruelty not levied

And tell me all is over

And all my truths shatter

The truths of accepting

Flaws , limitations

Tolerating

Because you want to love

You want to live

The deliberately

Created distances

Grow wider ,denser , deeper

And now am lost

And alone

Left to hate myself

And never to trust

Never to believe in

My truths

I was just beginning

To know myself

To grow

To be a person you

Wanted me to be

Without anger

Without panic

But am back to square one

Left to deal with

My shattered truths

My numb heart

My stupid brain

My non clever words

In a land hostile

A people not mine

There is no easy way out

Suicide evades me

Abandonment

My lot

The Ancient Mariner’s

Curse mine , again

‘ Life in death ‘

Till eternity

Posted in Jottings, Memories, Poetry

Help Me

I might die any moment
I might vanish
Into a black hole soon
I don’t know where I will go
I don’t know if
I will meet you
Life has been sunshine
In small pockets
Only because of you
Rest has been injustice And humiliation
Heart breaks
And exploitation
I live in stress
I might go with pain
So many dreams Unfulfilled
So many debts unpaid
So many friends not met
So many enemies
Not forgiven
But I will thank you
Till my last moment
Of consciousness
For you alone
Could love me
You alone could embrace All my stupidity and sins
You alone stood by me
For who I am
And who I could not be
You alone forgave me
When I hurt you
You never shouted and Screamed at me
You never hit me
You never hurled
Abuses at me
You never left me alone When I was in need
You did not take revenge
You did not abandon
You always sacrificed
You always loved
You always reached out
And pulled me out of the Muck and mire
Others embedded me in
Each time a man
Killed my heart
Each time a woman
Smeared me with malice
Each time I cried
Each time
I writhed in pain
You alone prayed
You alone touched
My entire being
So softly so warmly
Easing the pain
Gifting hope and succour
After you
The will to live ebbs
I tried all
So many things
To live again
Travel , friendship , love too
But it fails
Each time I smile
Each time I laugh
It provokes another stab
Another potion of venom
By those I trust
By those I love
By those I help
Alienation
Is complete
Punishments are plenty
Those who pray
Those who love
Are too far away
And emptiness is close
No one to hug
No one to pour my heart to
No one who understands
No one who has empathy
People use and leave me
Some leaving Unobtrusively
Some after they assure
Their loot is complete
Their revenge is whole
Am aging
In body and mind
Like you
You had me and I had you
I have no one now
I understand
How isolated you might Have been too
In your last days
Of lonely pain
When I went to work Leaving you home
When I tried to entertain
My stress
Neglecting your need
Of me
When I showed anger
When I chased someone
Who had nothing to offer
To You or me
When I talked to you but Didn’t hear your soul
You alone cared for me
Even then
You alone wished for my Happiness even then
Forgiveness came easy
To you
Revenge reigns others
This hatred is so close
This hatred is so intense
I wriggle , I scream
It never turns into love
It never rises to kindness
So I wan
All a waste
I had so much to offer
The world
People ,animals
No grit left
No joy ,no hope
I lie awake at night
Crying alone
Hugging my dog
Waiting for the sun
To breathe and
Oxygenate me
Waiting for a distraction
Powerful enough to forget
Each hurt ,each fear
He throws at me
I try everyday
But respite evades
My being
I have high blood pressure
A recent gift !
I know time is scarce
I want to do so much still
But no help
Lot of talk about
Being strong
I know I am
That does not help Somehow
So my dearest mother
My angel in heaven
Help me to
Love and forgive
Those who hate
And punish
To understand
Why they don’t understand
To be kind
To those who are cruel
To embrace
And to let go
Help me to live , to die
But in peace
In love and gratitude
Not to be sucked into darkness
But merge into light
Love you forever